Swinging 101: terms, agreements and first steps

What swinging is

Swinging usually describes couples who, together and by agreement, socialize and may be intimate with other people, often at clubs, parties or resorts. The focus tends to be on shared experiences rather than separate romantic relationships, which is one way it differs from polyamory.

Common terms

• Soft swap: some contact with others, with limits the couple has agreed.
• Full swap: the couple is open to full intimacy with others.
• Same room / separate room: whether partners stay together or can be apart.
• Voyeur: enjoys watching. Exhibitionist: enjoys being watched.
• Unicorn: a single person, often a woman, who joins couples. See our unicorn etiquette guide.

Agreements come first

Before your first event, talk through what's okay, what isn't, and what happens if one of you wants to stop. Agreements should feel good to both of you, not like one person is going along to keep the other happy.

• What you're each comfortable with, and what's off the table.
• Same room or separate rooms.
• Safer-sex expectations and testing.
• A signal for "I want to leave" that either of you can use, no questions asked.
• How you'll check in afterward.

Your first event

• Start with a meet-and-greet or a social night. Many couples go several times before doing anything.
• You don't have to do anything at all. Going just to watch and talk is normal.
• Both partners need to be enthusiastic. One partner's yes doesn't count for the other.
• Never pressure another couple or single. A no is complete.

The strongest swinging couples talk more, not less. Check in before, during and after.

Go further

• KinkyKamp: Polyamory & non-monogamy basics

Related guides

• Intermediate, 2 min read

  Unicorn etiquette: for couples and for singles

  How couples looking for a third can do it respectfully, and how singles can stay in control.

• Intermediate, 2 min read

  Opening up: talking to a partner about kink or non-monogamy

  How to raise the conversation, what to agree on, and how to handle jealousy when it shows up.

• Intermediate, 2 min read

  Play party etiquette: house rules, watching and joining in

  The unwritten rules of private parties and dungeon nights, written down, so your first party goes smoothly.