Safe first meets: from first message to first coffee

Before you agree to meet

• Chat long enough to get a feel for them. Pressure to meet fast, or to move to another app right away, is a warning sign.
• Check their profile: verification, how long they've been a member, vouches from people who've met them, and groups or events in common.
• Ask mutual friends or event hosts about them, if you have any.
• A short video call is a reasonable ask. Someone who refuses every time may not be who they say they are.

The first meeting is just a meeting

Meet in a public place: coffee, lunch, a munch. Keep the first meet about getting to know each other, not playing. Anyone who pushes to skip this step is telling you something.

• Get there and home on your own. Don't accept a pickup from someone you've just met.
• Keep your drink with you, and keep alcohol light.
• Don't give out your home address, workplace or legal name until you're ready.

Use a safety contact

Tell a trusted friend who you're meeting, where and when. Share the person's profile with them. Agree on a check-in time and what your friend should do if you miss it.

Some people use a code phrase that means "call me with an excuse to leave." Set it up before you go.

Red flags at any stage

• Ignoring or arguing with a no, a limit or a boundary.
• Wanting to skip negotiation, safewords or a public first meet.
• Asking for money, gift cards, crypto or "tribute" before you've met.
• Secrecy: asking you not to tell anyone about them.
• Stories about every past partner being "crazy."

Leaving early is always allowed. You don't owe anyone a reason or a second chance.

Go further

• KinkyKamp: Red flags vs green flags
• KinkyKamp: Scams & fake Doms

Related guides

• Beginner, 2 min read

  Negotiation before a scene: limits, safewords and check-ins

  A practical walk-through of the conversation that should happen before any play, so everyone knows what they're agreeing to.

• Beginner, 2 min read

  If something goes wrong: reporting and getting help

  What to do if a person crosses a line, online or in person, and where to find support.

• Beginner, 2 min read

  First messages that get replies (and respect)

  How to start a conversation that doesn't land in the ignore pile, and the habits that get people blocked.